11:45 – Well here we are again. Ed Miliband is pursuing a dodgy but popular attack on bankers' bonuses today, so expect that to come up. He's also firing off commentary about possible British involvement in the Golden Temple raid in Amritsar in 1984. It won't mean much to some readers, but if proved true it would be one of the damaging revelations imaginable for British Sikhs. It doesn't really seem like PMQs material though. If it does come up, Miliband will use a grave, patient tone similar to last week. It would indicate a commitment to reducing the Punch-and-Judy quality of the sessions. Kick-off is at midday. Apologies in advance for typos, inaccuracies and offence. And just generally for my personal hygiene.
11:57 – Cameron's in, wearing his dashing silver glasses, but Miliband is a little late. Ah, he's just appeared, commendably 20/20'd. Theresa Villiers, Northern Ireland secretary, kept alive by the wonders of modern science, looks like a Demon Headmistress.
12:01 – Lots of sombre looks on the Tory front bench, not least from Theresa May and William Hague, who both look knackered, even after the festive break. Ed Balls is chatting dismissively to Miliband. He gets larger every week. Keith Vaz starts the questions.
12:02 – He raises Action on Sugar, a group set up to reduce sugar levels. He says voluntary agreements with industry didn't work. He wants the PM to give up sugar for one day. "I'm sure that would have the support of Mrs Cameron," the PM says. He doesn't have his mojo, you can tell already.
12:04 – Non-answer from Cameron. Unusually, Miliband doesn't take the second question. Instead it goes to Henry Smith. My parents used to call male genitals Henry instead of the traditional Willy when I was a child, but I don't hold it against him. His question, however, is dreary. Miliband's up.
12:05 – And it's bank bonuses. Let's see how Punch-and-Judy it gets. He asks if the RBS demand for being able to give bonuses at double the level of income is acceptable. "Today I'm asking a very specific question," he says. "He's the prime minister, the taxpayer will foot the bill, will he put a stop to it right now?" Cameron says he's telling RBS that any proposal for pay and bonuses they'll veto. "What a pity the last government never took an approach like that."
12:07 – Miliband says he's not asking about increases in pay and bonuses, he's asking about the over 100% bonus request. "These type of bonuses lead to risky one-way bets." Cameron: If he isn't asking about bonuses and pay at RBS, why isn't he?" Cameron now runs down a road entirely unrelated from the question. "To be given a lecture from a party that…." You can fill in the rest. "He comes here every week to ask a question about problem created by the Labour party."
12:08 – Miliband, very unwisely, splits his questions and sits down. That allowed Cameron the final flourish well before Miliband had pinned him down. Cameron shouted effectively (here I may partially retract my mojo commentary from earlier) but he was vulnerable if Miliband had stuck with it.
12:10 – David Lammy asks if the PM agrees it's urgent to reform the Independent Police Complaints Commission following the Duggan and the Andrew Mitchell cases. Cameron says he's "always prepared" for reforms of organisation like this. He cites a previous reform of the IPCC. He says the PC Wallis email about Mitchell "was deeply troubling indeed". He goes on: "I'm not saying all is well. I'm happy to look at proposals for how we can strengthen these arrangements."
12:11 – Cathy Jamieson, Labour, never even seen her before, asks about Tpim terror controls. It's planted, she reads it from a sheet. Nil points. Daniel Kawczynski, Tory, giant but only in stature, asks about Shrewsbury's entrepreneurial spirit. What's that? Lost the will to live? Soldier on.
12:14 – Miliband part two. He asks about sites across the country with planning permission where nothing is happening. He makes a slight slip up and the Tories laugh mercilessly at him. He struggles with it. "We just had a demonstration of the grasp of maths at the Treasury," Cameron says. Miliband having a tough time here. You can see they're getting to him.
12:15 – He points out that house completions are at the lowest level since the 1920's. Miliband presses his 'use it or lose it' clause, first raised at his party conference. Cameron starts reeling stats about house building which wouldn't convince a young child who is being offered sweets in exchange for being convinced.
12:16 – I suppose it is possible to be interested in what is being said here, but I am not imaginative to envision how. The two men are slinging numbers at each other. "Does he believe we have to build new homes to meet supply?" Miliband asks. It's not exactly surgical scrutiny. Cameron is, with a straight face, using the Help to Buy scheme on a debate on house building. It makes no sense, but he somehow gets away with it. Mercifully, it ends.
12:19 – Snap verdict: Cameron: 2 Miliband: 1. One to forget for the Labour leader. Cameron pretty much wiped the floor with him. The only reason the PM's score isn't higher is because his failure to answer the question and the sloppy, inane logic of his arguments were so plain for all to see. Everyone but Miliband.
12:22 – Tom Watson takes up the Golden Temple question and asks if it was connected to a helicopter deal. "I fear he's gone a conspiracy theory too far on this one," Cameron says. He adds that answers are being sought. "What happened led to tragic loss of life, I completely understand the concerns these papers raise. I don't want to pre-empt the outcome but I would note that so far the [inquiry] has not found any evidence that the responsibility for this was planned and carried out solely by the Indian army." He basically did sort of pre-empt the outcome there.
12:25 – Pat McFadden, Labour, also asks about the reports. "This is an open wound which will not heal until the full truth is known." He wants full disclosure of all government papers of that time and a proper statement to the House for ministers to be questioned. The findings will be public, he says, although that's not the same thing. He says a statement to the House "may well be the right approach".
12:27 – Ooop. That's interesting. Siobhain McDoonagh asks about a £1,000 'bobby tax' charging for applications to the police service. Cameron says he'll make the home secretary will contact her about the issue. May looks up and smiles, as if she was human. A Tory stooge asks "what's the point of Plan B if Plan A is working"? Christ above. "The biggest transformation of all is the silence of the shadow chancellor," Cameron replies. "There's a big debate on banking but he wasn't allowed on the radio. They've got a novel idea – you hide your shadow chancellor by leaving him on the front bench." Ok, that was quite funny.
12:30 – Simon Hart, Tory bore, asks about Benefit Street on Channel Four, and says benefits shouldn't be a lifestyle choice. "I;' e only managed to catch a small amount of this programme," Cameron says, before suggesting his backs up whatever it is he believes.
12:31 – Jack Straw is wearing one of his personalities today. He says that as a supporter of shale gas, he wants the PM to negotiate for 10% of revenues to be shared with local communities. Cameron says he wants 1% of revenues, rather than 10% of profits.
12:33 – It's going on again. Andrew Bridgen, Tory, jokes that Miliband once said "what Hollande is doing in France is what I want to do in Britain". Lots of laughs. "Oh la la," someone shouts.
12:34 – And with that, merciful Christ, we're done. A few shouts of "au revoir" as MPs file out. Last week was a bit different, this week we're back to normal. Really dispiriting standards here: Backbenchers literally reading their planted questions from the whips off a sheet. Leaders' exchanges with absolutely no content at all. There was a point when it looked like Miliband vs Cameron would be good quality: The Labour leader's forensic criticism vs the PM's arrogance. It could have been great fun. As things stand, it is a damp squib. Miliband is consistently losing it, but it doesn't matter, because surely no sane member of the public will be following. Which reminds me: what are you still doing here? See you next week.