NOTICE of a MATCH to be played on an UNEVEN PLAYING FIELD next year
Earlier today I wrote a blog outlining the latest developments in the party funding debate. Both Labour and the Tories are pretty bad when it comes to getting in the cash, it's clear. What's really interesting now is how the Conservatives might just be doing a lot better than Labour when it really matters next year.
As it happens my choice of headline has been criticised, thusly:
@Alex__Stevenson in what way is it an "uneven playing field"? More that Labour have a team that fans don't want to pay money to…
— Mark Wallace (@wallaceme) July 2, 2014
In reply to which, I offer this general notice to the political parties:
The general election (hereinafter known as the FOOTBALL MATCH) is to be contested between the LABOUR and CONSERVATIVE parties (hereinafter known as TEAMS) on May 7th 2015.
The FOOTBALL MATCH will deviate from normal sporting conventions in that financial backers (hereinafter known as FANS) of each TEAM will be permitted the chance to influence the outcome before polling day.
Each FAN can provide monetary funds which will help the parliamentary candidates (hereinafter known as PLAYERS) in their respective bids to best their opposite number.
The total amount of cash raised by the FANS will help determine whether or not the pitch (hereinafter known as the PLAYING FIELD) is to be sloped so as to favour one TEAM over the other.
If the LABOUR TEAM is outspent by a factor of three to one, for example, the PITCH will be angled so that the LABOUR leader (hereinafter known as CAPTAIN) and his footballing colleagues will be forced to play up a 15-degree slope during the MATCH.
The resulting UNEVEN PLAYING FIELD will make it bloody hard for the LABOUR TEAM to win the MATCH.
It is accepted by all and sundry that the LABOUR TEAM will find it additionally hard to win the MATCH because the policies (hereinafter known as the PLAYING STYLE )of its CAPTAIN alienates rich FANS.
Instead only attracts the backing of FANS controlled by a trade union (hereinafter known as the LABOUR UNITE-D SUPPORTERS' CLUB) which dictates to the CAPTAIN exactly what his PLAYERS are supposed to do on the PLAYING FIELD which, as has been previously established, is UNEVEN.
The CONSERVATIVE TEAM is controlled by a CAPTAIN whose PLAYING STYLE delights rich FANS and encourages them to use their vast amounts of cash to help the CONSERVATIVE TEAM. They are totally loaded and are much more subtle in their request for PLAYING STYLE changes than the LABOUR UNITE-D SUPPORTERS' CLUB, which is embarrassingly brazen and only serves to make the CAPTAIN of the LABOUR TEAM look hopelessly stupid.