Royal College of Psychiatrists': Coping with bereavement
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Friday, 29, Feb 2008 12:00
"I felt absolutely stunned when I heard that he'd died. Then I just went numb. Now I just can't stop wanting to find him - I feel so wretched."
Bereavement is the title of a new leaflet from the Royal College of Psychiatrists' 'Help is at Hand' series.
It is for anyone who has been bereaved, their family and friends, and anyone who wants to learn more about coping with this distressing but common experience.
Sooner or later most of us will suffer the death of someone we love, yet in our everyday life we think and talk about death very little. Grieving is not just one feeling, but a whole succession of feelings that take a while to get through and can't be hurried.
A feeling of being stunned is usually followed by a sense of emotional numbness. Soon this disappears, to be replaced by a dreadful sense of agitation, of pining or yearning for the dead person.
Anger often follows, perhaps towards people who the bereaved person feels did not prevent the death, or even towards the one who has, by dying, left them. Another common feeling is guilt.
These states of agitation are usually strongest about 2 weeks after the death, but are soon followed by times of quiet sadness or depression, withdrawal and silence, reaching their peak between 4 and 6 weeks later. During this time the bereaved person spends much time thinking about the person they have lost - an essential part of coming to terms with the death.
For bereaved partners there are constant reminders of their new singleness, in seeing other couples together, and media images of happy families. After some time it is possible to feel whole again, although the sense of having lost a part of oneself never goes away entirely.
These various stages of mourning often overlap, and show themselves in different ways in different people. Most recover from a major bereavement in 1 or 2 years.
Children and young people grieve and feel distress when someone close dies, and they should not be overlooked when a family is bereaved. Young people may not speak of their feelings for fear of adding extra burdens to the grown-ups around them.
People from different cultures deal with death in their own distinctive ways; and in some communities death is seen as just one step in the continuous cycle of life and death.
Bereavement makes suggestions about how friends and relatives can help, such as spending time with the bereaved person, and allowing them to cry and talk about their feelings. Anniversaries are particularly painful times, and friends and relatives can make a special effort to be around.
Practical help with cleaning, shopping or looking after the children can ease the burden of being alone. Elderly bereaved partners may need help with the tasks that the other used to handle - coping with bills, cooking, getting the car serviced and so on.
The leaflet offers advice on helping someone whose grief is unresolved, or who gets 'stuck' at one of the stages of grieving, or even becomes so depressed that they contemplate suicide. Sometimes it may be necessary to consult the doctor if serious depression or sleep problems arise.
The leaflet also lists sources of support and advice and recommends some helpful books to read, as well as an audiotape.
Bereavement is available free with a stamped addressed envelope from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, 17 Belgrave Square, London SW1X 8PG. It can also, with a wide range of other materials, be downloaded from their website www.rcpsych.ac.uk/info
For further information please contact Deborah Hart or Thomas Kennedy in the External Affairs Department.
Telephone: 020 7235 2351 Extensions. 127 or 154
E-mail: dhart@rcpsych.ac.uk or tkennedy@rcpsych.ac.uk.