Sketch: Expenses? What expenses?

Thursday, 4 February 2010 12:00 AM

MPs spent this lunchtime indulging in some mutually reinforcing head-in-the-sand behaviour as Sir Thomas Legg's expenses judgements broke around Westminster.

By Alex Stevenson

The press gallery of the Commons is a beehive of activity as journalists frantically pour through Legg's final report. The news channels are filled with figures: 390 miscreant MPs, £1.3 million repaid in total. The only haven from the horrors of their claims appeared to be the chamber of the Commons.

Here, in the eye of the storm, MPs went to desperate lengths to distract themselves by participating in business questions with Harriet Harman.

Richard Younger-Ross (Lib Dem, £1,263.64 repaid on hi-fi and loudspeaker stands) went the furthest, asking the leader of the House whether she would consider a debate on "ultrasonic mosquito devices". "Swat him!" a government backbencher yelled. After his lengthy answer the jovial Speaker John Bercow remarked: "I'm worried we've already had a debate!" All was bonhomie and good humour. Outside the Palace of Westminster the clouds slowly gathered.

Most of the worst offenders opted for utter ignorance, aiming their questions at completely unrelated matters. Douglas Hogg (Con, £20,639.42 repaid on moat maintenance and other sundries) wanted to know about "Treasury interference" of one kind or another. The petulant Anne Main (Con, £2,100 to be repaid after excessive food claims) was worried about the state of Thameslink. She looked even more grumpy after Harman rebuked her for not giving her previous notice of the question.

But some appeared to unconsciously have notions of persecution playing on their minds. Gerald Kaufman (Lab, £1,851.74 repaid for a rug) looked like the carpet had been pulled under him over the trauma of a "show trial" endured by two of his constituents. Robert Key (Con, £530 excess claim on a microwave and oven) was worried about the "health protection of the citizens of our country". What about the health of MPs? Surely some of the repaid £1.3 million can be diverted to improving their mental wellbeing.

The shadow leader of the House, Sir George Young, did his best to relax the troops. His legs are so lengthy he can afford to slouch with his feet lodged underneath the despatch box. If his predecessor Alan Duncan was the Danny Kaye of the Commons, Sir George is surely the assured entertainer Bing Crosby.

One person who discharged her pastoral duties for MPs' welfare was the leader of the Commons. With unfailing personal sacrifice she repeatedly fed the opposition stupid lines to distract them from the acrimony swirling around outside. "I do not do devious," she said in response to grumblings about Commons reforms. How they yelled in response. After some reciprocal rambling following the remarks of David Heath (Lib Dem, clean as a whistle), who appeared obsessed with the filmography of Bill Murray, she concluded by observing: "I know that's not what he asked, but I'm sure he would have enjoyed the answer."

And so the long day passed on in the Commons, with MPs utterly determined to avoid the biggest news story of the day - or, in Westminster terms, the last 12 months. The £1.3 million total bill for their expenses wrongdoing is nothing compared to the billions discussed in the chamber. But, come May 6th, MPs will be forced to pay the price. They can't ignore what's going on outside forever.

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